We went to the same college after HS. I mean really, she thinks its unreasonable to ask a 22 year old LIVING AT HOME to go to the grocery store once a week??? Robot Astrologer I will say that it's also not fair to him that you are getting mad at him for not giving full attention when he's at home. I'd get out now before you invest any more time into this relationship. Hes not ready to start even questioning this arrangement yet. 2023byTango Publishing Corporation All Rights Reserved. This guy has a chip on his shoulder that is so big; it amazes people that he can walk through the door. WebSpend quality time with your spouse and your mother separately. Don't involve yourself. There's a ton of good resources there. The mom made my boyfriend go through his sisters phone, always got upset if he went somewhere to get his hair cut rather than letting her do it we dated for two years from 16-18. You say you don't think you can continue with him, so tell him. At the heart of it, you're upset that he can't devote much time to you, or give you full attention when you're trying to talk. They are strangely protective of each other. Thats not to say that you cant play an important role in supporting him to make changes. Honestly. The unfortunate truth is the longer he has been in a codependent relationship with his mom, and the more severe it is, the worse the outlook over whether he will change. Perhaps he always puts her in front of you, or their relationship intrudes on yours. The fact his siblings call him daddy is creepy as fuck. Long story short, it only got worse and I finally decided to leave him 3 years laterwhile 9 months pregnant. does his mom know that's his goal? Hell, Im Asian and this is just expected of children to their parents/home in general. If he can't see an issue with the way things are with his mom and his brothers, then he's gonna end up a 50-year-old momma's boy bachelor. Now if you just like this guy but you're happy to throw in the towel, cut your losses now. She also complains that he doesnt text or message her enough. They should call him by his real name and know he's their brother (but thats not something you can control). Let him see you as a partner, as if you two were a team and are taking this problem as a one. He probably does what she says cause, you know, he's living under her roof (as did most of us). I am not her responsibility. did he plan dates and was he reliable about showing up when he said he would? Being helpful/doing adult stuff only goes so far. This is alright as long as it is not a repeated thing. Remember: you are responsible for your own happiness. The mother asking him to buy food with her money and then asking for compensation when those things are eaten also sounds reasonable, I can't imagine why he should be able to eat special food (or off limit food) for free as this implies there are other food items he can eat without compensation. It doesnt sound like she has even met his family or been to the house. Just what happens when you have to or want to contribute to the home. A lot of families are like this. Some codependent relationships may be worse than others. I was looking for this comment for the justnomil. WebWithdraw some of your wifely Character. OP can't decide it for him. But you must accept that you are not in a position to fix him, or his relationship with his mom. I think growing up in abusive households like this where youre raised with the idea that you have no boundaries, it becomes really hard for him to set any now. We need to face the facts about why we end up with codependent people. But if you can work around that till both of you can have your own place and spend more quality time together then go ahead. She would always interrupt his calls with me, never let me in the house like I wasnt allowed to go to his and on the rare occasion she allowed him over mine, she would call him and text him all the time. You've only been dating a few months, most if not all of which has been virtually, So, presumably, you've never actually met his mother or siblings face to face, or engaged with them in any meaningful way, His father is out of the picture, and he has two young siblings, His mother works full time (and from your description, potentially runs her own business), She asks him to go grocery shopping and run other errands a couple of times per week, His brothers see him, a man roughly twice the oldest's age, as an authority figure in the house, and ask him for permission to do things that they know they need permission for from an adult in the house, He told you that he wants to move out, but due to the current situation feels he can't (whether that's due to financial reasons, concerns about the logistics of moving during a pandemic, or because he wants to help his mom through this tough time). by Carolyn Steber. I couldnt imagine a future with him because of his mum because it seemed no matter what I did or what we were doing she was always an issue. Or maybe he isn't ready to change his relationship with his mom and siblngs and never will be. You cant make him change if doesnt want to, so the best thing you can do is save yourself and get out. Go with your gut here. If he feels attacked or judged, hes more likely to get defensive and shut you down. The chances are your relationship won't work out in the long run anyway. They are overly involved in one anothers personal lives, and activities. He feels like he should make sacrifices to please his mother. I'd think he'd probably need help to learn how to set boundaries with his mom and siblings. But weekly shopping or shopping in general is not outrageous thing to do for adult living in a household. Quality time can be a deal breaker if you feel that need isnt being met. While watching, I felt like someone understood my struggles to find love for the first time and finally offered an actual, practical solution to creating the sort of relationship I really want. Imagine a 22 year old living at home, supported by his mother, refusing to help out with errands/chores. We have been dating for a few months via social distancing and its just progressively going downhill because of his mom. but rather than just making yourself one more person who demands his time and attention, what can you do to support his plans to move out, to stand up for himself and put HIMSELF first? A 22 year old man living at home should be pitching in. My parents were very independent of us and were by no means helicopter/clingy parents. You will become the bad guy and will always come second. He'll probably make a great dad because he has lots of practice. Until then, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask the adult child to help the household. This causes more problems because the codependent individual can end up taking over the life of the other person. If you are an outgoing partner, you won't thrive with this man. Only invest what you want. If you think youre dealing with a codependent partner, this article will talk you through how best to deal with it. Putting yourself in the role of "parent" and your partner in the role of "child" is demeaning and can actually be counterproductive. I mean, it might stop if the bf becomes aware and develops boundaries. We all have very different family dynamics. Google "parentification" and send him some links he might respond to. It was only until after she left and had her own child and was out of our parents house for a while when both she and I realized that dynamic is unacceptable and cruel. That can be annoying. Even if you arent happy about your partners relationship with his mother, you still need to take care of yourself. #8: They say you need to change. Im skeptical about OPs version of events because she lists weekly shopping as an inappropriate demand. Him for not letting his mom actually do the parenting that she is supposed to do because it's her responsibility in the end. my brothers are both autistic and my father does not live ), and then everything became a competition, which both he and she were fine with me losing. You have to remember to take care of yourself. How interested are you at this point? It started to smolder and so she tried to take the bag out. Yet despite how much of an effect it has on our life, were not able to change it alone. But on the other hand, if you feel like my boyfriends mom treats him like her husband its unlikely something you can just overlook. Be mindful of your actions and stop treating your mate as a child. He is also prone to complaining about his mother and garnering sympathy for his broken childhood. I'm not going to argue whether it is his duty to help his family in this way or whether this is emotional incest or parentification. The reason this is to encourage him to make changes is that, as Ive already said, all you can do is support him. You are so young and don't need to deal with this. how often does he think he would be running errands or spending time with his family once he moves out? It was almost impossible for me to get turned on by someone who I had just reprimanded for forgetting to take out the garbage. Juliana Mei Encouraging him to make some practical changes will hopefully help him to realize that he needs to shift priorities if he wants to make your relationship work. It's dysfunctional, with enmeshment, he's a sonsband, there's a term that describes it I can't remember something along the lines of incest spouse. And of all the baggage you can have this is relatively minor. Is it a deal-breaker for you, are you prepared to live with it, or are you prepared to stick around longer in the hopes you can get through to your boyfriend for him to make changes? Mum interrupting calls isn't on but it's (too) common and the rest is just him helping out his single mum who is running a business with two kids at home during a global pandemic. I'm not going to repeat what everyone else has said, many thave said it well. She will poison him against you when she feels like she is losing control. Dont date/marry someone hoping theyll change, do that for who they are now. He's unable or unwilling to set boundaries with his mother and you want more attention from a boyfriend. I second this. Do you want this to be your life? If you like operating under the radar, this dude is the one for you. Daniel Mabanta The biggest thing that your boyfriend needs to learn about are boundaries what are they and how to reinforce those sometimes its okay to help mom but not if its unreasonable its also okay to say no sometimes and if his mom kicks up a fuss again he needs those boundaries to learn to shut down confrontation and learning to stick up for himself. Step two would be to get him out of the FOG, gently getting him to recognise all the above and see how unhealthy it is. This girl has said they are only dating through phone calls. He cant downsize his mother until he moves out of her house. I'd say that he might like it. It's normal for him, apparently. Now though hes transitioning more into adulthood its time that he learns how to separate himself from his mom his mom is not healthy shes toxic and if anything shes emotionally and physically stunting him by not letting him grow up and he should. I mean I'm 18 and we were 16 I think when we got together and I left when he was 18 and i was 17 so it was a bit more of an issue since he couldnt really move out. Obviously, it will be easier to have private time with your Mom can't take care of him forever. he needs to start standing up to his mom and If you do decide to stay help him realize that what his mother's asking of him is not normal, it's not his job and he doesn't own her a thing. Recognize when youre feeling overwhelmed and take breaks from the situation if you need to until you feel better. But ultimately it boils down to boundaries. Instead, if you want to pursue this relationship, you should be as un-demanding as possible. Mom treats him like her husband. This is especially true if youre trying to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner while dealing with his unhealthy relationship with his mother. Photo by Christian Erfurt on Unsplash. Yes, this man believes that women are essential and valued. Is his mother a narcissist? To little brothers, idk that might be a soft spot. With us being on lockdown, much of our communication is over the phone like many, and he cant even have a phone conversation without his mom interjecting in the conversation, yelling in the background constantly, or demanding him to come to her service. Five years ago I wrote letter to my high school self, and ne" JJ Heller on Instagram: "Graduation season is almost upon us! There may be things you feel you could introduce or compromises to make that would make you feel better. Web167 likes, 15 comments - JJ Heller (@jjhellermusic) on Instagram: "Graduation season is almost upon us! He needs a strong woman because he's a bit dependent on others. These behaviors arent mutually exclusive, of course; my own mother was dismissive, combative, unreliable, and self-involved by turns. May 1, 2023, 8:04 pm, by Once youve started a free-flowing dialogue, it will hopefully be easier to voice your concerns about the nature of their relationship and whether it has codependent elements to it. I think at that age people should be independent anyway, if you live rent free at your parents place I dont see as a big wrongdoing from them to except services and help around the house. I feel like the amount of time you spend with your mom impacts our relationship together. Its okay to break up with anyone at any time for any reason. It's the first person he had a close and connected relationship with (in most cases) and is, in many circumstances, the person who shaped his values and outlook on the world. And at that age if youre not feeling that way then I think its better for both parties to move on. She's not, but she's given up 20 years of her life to live with the mom, take care of the mom, and do everything for the mom. she "complains about him eating certain things" (what does this even mean?). As someone who is the youngest of six who was in a household like this, I 100% agree. Pop over to justnomil and read some of the information about the page. I just wanted more quality conversations. I don't know how much further I want to take this conversation with him. Does he pay rent? We went to his house and hung out for a few hours. All the things seem so NORMAL to me especially of an older grown man/sibling still living at home. 7 signs youre in a relationship with a genuinely good person, 10 signs youre in a relationship with a trustworthy person, 9 heart-warming habits of couples who stay madly in love, finally offered an actual, practical solution, The power of kindness: 10 habits of genuinely caring individuals, If you exhibit these 10 traits, you have a truly adventurous personality, 11 common words that make you sound less confident (and how to replace them). You can do better than a mama's boy. Ehhhhh. You have to ask yourself how much this problem has affected you. Depending on his response, you might need to reevaliate the relationship, especially considering that his mom might make you out to be "the one who tore the family apart" once he starts to set reasonable boundaries, and if he'll support you when that time comes. He's got many female friends, which could be fodder for jealousy, and he isn't quick to commit, but when he does commit, he's pretty taken in with the love interest he has chosen. To use social login you have to agree with the storage and handling of your data by this website. She probably overheard them say something like "okay Dad" like we say to our friends when they start acting like a parent. In case OP/anyone else is confused, FOG stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Youll never be able to find such a gem of a person who is willing to take such responsibility. WebDr. But also, maybe it's a bit of a family joke (albeit a weird one). It can be such a blow to your confidence and make you question your relationship and love for one another. Try to avoid using words such as should, have to, or must. If you choose to stay with him, I think you should be comfortable with the understanding that this situation isn't going to be quickly solvable. Thats why you can also focus on what you want from your boyfriend and the practical changes you need to feel happier in the relationship. Do you love him and does he love you? Its one of the most frustrating feelings in the world to watch someone we love to engage in harmful things and not be able to get through to them. The Dad thing is definitely weird but if Im being honest OP comes off sounding a bit entitled. Are you the other woman to a guy whose wife and kids keep interrupting him? This is super overdramatic, lol. Please recognize the situation and free yourself before youre in too deep. In any case, you and he are very young, It is perfectly valid to say, "You're a nice guy but this relationship isn't right for me." Also, his siblings should NOT be calling him "Daddy"- that's just fucked up and weird. by But it's just the mother is dumping her responsibilities on her children. She deserves a boyfriend who treats her like a queen. An adult living with his parent should be taking on a share of household duties and/or contributing financially. 1. How to set boundaries in a new relationship, Is an open relationship a bad idea? Ok, to put things in a bit of perspective: Cards on the table, the 'daddy' thing is weird. Maybe he will move out and not be so enmeshed in his familys lives. Do you feel like you have to sacrifice your happiness to keep his mother happy? Read her story again. If your only looking to date and fool around you might be better suited finding someone who isn't raising 3 kids. EDIT 2: wow guys thanks for the gold, did not expect it, I actually agree with all of thisitd be one thing if he were a dead beat garbage person buthe is clearly in an abusive situation and his life seems very socially draining. May 19, 2022, 1:24 am. Would he be able to live independently or do you think his mom would still make him do things, and he'd comply? As another comment said, deep in FOG. It doesn't sound like you know this guy well enough, or have spent enough time with his family, to make a fully informed judgement call on that one. Step 3 if he does recognise the dysfunction and want to change things, he's going to have to put up boundaries with his mum. If you guys have only been dating months, I'd say either break up, or go on a break. He is with her often, and while she doesn't call the shots, he is constantly touching base with her. That is a lot of lifelong work for him. They will either choose to accept the reality of the situation, or they wont. Like she demands him to go to the grocery store weekly (and complains about him eating certain things and wants him to pay her back etc), makes him go to other stores to fetch her products for her business when she could easily do it herself? IMO.reading between the lines..BF just doesn't want to do video calls that much. I know Im 38 and have my own kids, when my mom is in town she isnt all that concerned if Im on the phone and she wants to tell me something quick. Am I overreacting? He always said she never had a problem with me it was just their culture but eventually it became clear that this wasnt what i wanted. Seriously. WebThe first thing to remember when your boyfriends mom is interfering with your relationship is that she wont go away. You really need to have a conversation with him about if he can commit now to giving you the time you need/deserve. It's called boundaries. WebYour husband may have a close bond with his family and want to please them, make them happy, and show them his life. He is afraid hell lose her attention or love if he doesnt do what she says. He has great respect for women and is eager to hear his partner's opinion, but he's also immature and unable to call the shots on his own. BF sounds like a responsible dude. I'm not sure I fully understand the problem when it comes to your relationship or your role in his life and I'm confused by a lot of these comments in general. Its emotional incest. ask how he feels about it. it's not normal that his brothers call him daddy. Thats fine, but I dont think I can continue with him as he already has so much responsibility and is almost never free to give me his full attention. His dad picked us up (it was only 30 mins away). Just saying, if he seems worth it, maybe trying to nudge him in the right direction will benefit you both. She will learn how she should expect to be treated by him. I wonder if the phone call thing was just the mom asking her kid something. Especially if you feel stressed out by your partners relationship with his mother. In your heart you have to do what is best for you. Girl!!! I don't think he can give you the relationship you're looking for.
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